Appreciating Conflict

"When you hear the word "conflict", what thoughts or feelings do you immediately have?

If you’re like me and most people I know and work with, this word conjures up thoughts of arguments, fights, violence, and even war, along with feelings of stress, fear, anger, defensiveness, and more.

However, if we take a moment to think and feel on a deeper level, there are lots of positive aspects of conflict as well. When conflict is effectively dealt with and resolved, creative ideas are generated, new opportunities open up, and deeper connections are made. Think about all of the positive benefits that have come out of some of the biggest conflicts you’ve ever had.

The problem, therefore, isn’t with conflict itself; it’s our resistance to it and fear of it that makes it difficult. As the revolutionary 19th century psychologist and author Carl Jung said, “What we resist, persists.” The more we fear and avoid conflicts, the worse they become.

Conflict has value
What if we appreciated conflict? is about recognizing the value of something. Since there are clearly many valuable aspects of dealing with and resolving conflict, we could relate to it in a totally different and much more positive way.

Patrick Lencioni writes brilliantly about the importance of conflict in his best-selling book The Five Dysfunctions of a Team. Lencioni believes that avoidance of conflict is actually a serious “dysfunction” that many individuals and teams suffer from. He says, “All great relationships, the ones that last over time, require productive conflict in order to grow. This is true in marriage, parenthood, friendship, and business.”
Stop avoiding conflict

Our challenge is to stop avoiding and fearing conflict so much, and to start appreciating it more – even if it scares us. The reality is that from now until the day we die, we will have many, many conflicts with people – both personally and professionally. We can spend our time avoiding these conflicts, worrying about them, and/or trying to figure out the best way to “cope” with them when they arise. Or, we can appreciate them and know that conflict is an important part of life and an essential aspect to all healthy relationships.

Appreciating conflict is one of the best ways for us to build trust, connection, and partnership with others. When we approach conflict from a perspective of appreciation, we give ourselves a sense of peace, perspective, and confidence that not only makes it easier to deal with and resolve the actual conflict, but also allows us to operate with a true sense of power and courage in our lives and our relationships.

Action: What you can do
Make a list of some of the biggest conflicts in your life right now. What can you appreciate about each of these conflicts? What are you learning – about yourself, others, and/or life? What feedback are you getting? How has this conflict enhanced your life or relationship? What will the benefit be to you and the other people involved when you get this conflict resolved? If you look for it, you’ll be able to find many things to appreciate about your conflicts.

Appreciating these conflicts will give you a different perspective on them and will probably allow you to address them in a more effective way.

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