Family Matters

Everybody knew that “Jerry” needed to get some help with his drinking. His routine of having a couple of drinks with the boys after work began to include several after dinner drinks as well. The change in him was gradual, but over time everybody knew something had to be done. Jerry had missed meetings with his daughter’s teacher, and had not attended a soccer game or dance recital in months.

The family got together for a meeting and everybody agreed that Jerry needed help, so they confronted him about it. His wife, his brother, his uncle and his parents were involved. Jerry agreed to their wishes and went into an out-patient program at a local treatment center. The idea behind all of this activity, of course, was to get Jerry some help with his problem, but what wasn’t considered was the family getting help with their problem. Alcoholism is a family problem and Jerry’s family, however well intended they were, did not get help for themselves.

The thinking goes something like this - it’s the alcoholic’s problem, so if he gets help everything is going to be all right. Jerry went into treatment to “dry out” and discovered during a physical exam that his drinking had led to another health condition. More than the alcoholism, his overall health was a concern and his entry into treatment served as a wakeup call. The fog had lifted and he began to reflect on the missed opportunities with his children. He was getting a new lease and he wanted to take full advantage of that.

However, his wife never got any help. Jerry’s parents noticed that she was a little “edgy” but the important thing for them was Jerry and his treatment. Her problems were her problems. The brother and the uncle had a similar attitude. She was no longer a part of the group that was trying to convince Jerry to get help, she was now isolated. She had lived with all of the drinking, all of the missed appointments and she was the one who had to be the parent while Jerry was with his friends. Jerry was working hard at his recovery and could not understand why his wife wasn’t overjoyed.

Jerry was doing everything he was supposed to do, but in her mind, he was always on the verge of slipping and having a drink. When was the next shoe going to fall? When he was drinking, she could call her in-laws and pour out her feelings, but now that he was in recovery, all she was doing was complaining. Jerry’s brother did understand, mainly because he was skeptical about the whole treatment program. He was the change in Jerry, but there were some lingering doubts. Mom and dad were just happy Jerry wasn’t drinking, so that was the end of it. His uncle, however, saw things the way they were and decided to call the treatment center. Jerry was doing fine, but what about the family?

The treatment center suggested Al-Anon. Jerry was getting the help he needed, and Al-Anon was there for the family, so Jerry’s wife and uncle checked out a local meeting. She was shocked at how many people had a similar, if not nearly identical experience. The more questions she asked of the group members, the more she wanted to explore her own participation. She discovered that she needed to be in recovery too. She discovered that if one member of the family struggles with alcoholism or addiction, it’s everybody’s problem and they all need treatment.

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