How Do I Say 'Merry Christmas Fifi?'

Every year, the local radio station plays the silly song of the dogs barking "Jingle Bells." My dog Fifi loves it. In fact, she loves it so much she barks along.

I used to think it was cute, but it has escalated. Each year, the local radio station starts playing its Christmas music one day earlier than the year before. I estimate that, by 2020, we'll be in July. I just can't bear the thought of a geriatric Fifi howling "Jingle Bells" at the top of her doggie lungs. I sometimes wish that unnamed one hit canine wonder would learn a new tune - something more melodic like "Mary, Did You Know?" or "O Little Town of Bethlehem." Ho hum! My tail is a wagging.

At any rate, little Fifi has taken to singing "Jingle Bells" during her longer and longer doggie showers. My neighbors love it. I hate it.

Well, I shouldn't say "Hate it." It is somewhat cute, but also a little embarrassing. I mean, our back yard is visible to every house in our neighborhood and the neighbors tend to congregate at one corner of our chain link fence to snicker and discuss the little poodle's almost human-like contralto. If I could be so bold as to be a bragging parent, I must admit that she does have a rather impressive contralto. Modestly speaking, of course.

The thought crossed my mind that we should go on a tour. Sell tickets, T-shirts, little waving dog paws and pictures of Fifi in glamour shots. I can hear the booming voice of James Earl Jones announcing from backstage as Fifi makes her debut appearance, "Meet the most amazing dog talent in the world - Fifi The Canine Contralto."

OK, I admit, it's a hair of the dog fantasy, that James Earl Jones thing. Knowing my luck, I'd get stuck with Scrappy Doo as the announcer.

Anyhoo, Fifi loves Christmas. She waits for it all year long. Last year I bought her this cute little table with a poodle engraving on its face. Fifi loves it. She sleeps under it. Eats under it. Goes to the bathroom under it. And occasionally I find her just sitting in front of it admiring her little wooden poodle friend. I think she may be in love.

Of course, puppy love, as we all know, is the cutest kind of love. And when it struck my Fifi, I was a bit out of sorts. It happened last spring, just like clockwork. I had been out watering the lawn, an activity that Fifi is usually eager to assist me with, but not that outing. No, when I returned to my living room after that fateful day in early May, I found Fifi sitting in the middle of the living room just gawking at her dog-faced table. It was unbelievable. I was shell shocked.

I was planning to get Fifi another piece of furniture with a canine carving on it this year, but I'm reconsidering. I don't want her new poodle friend getting jealous. I've heard that dog jealousy is many times worse than human jealousy. I'm not curious enough to find out for sure. Nevertheless, I'm running out of ideas. Fifi is a bit finicky when it comes to her Christmas gifts. Two years in a row she made me return the rubber doggie bone because she didn't like the way it tasted. I don't want to go through that again. Who would have thought she'd have a diversion to licorice and sarsaparilla?

So I'm back to dog square one. What do I get my little Fifi this year? I may just end up getting a music box that plays "Jingle Bells." That way, we can set it up on top of her new love's wooden home by the window and impress her newfound friend with sing-a-longs of her favorite holiday jingle as she gazes love struck at my furniture. And I'm just glad for one thing: Fifi isn't a Siberian huskie.

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