Single Women Stop Defending Yourself - Here's Why You Don’t Need to Announce You Are Proud to Be Single

Proud to be single. Single by choice.

Why do people who have not signed a legal document of marriage need to make an announcement of their feelings about their life position?

People who have signed the legal document of marriage don’t say they are proud to be married or married by choice. People in a majority (whether this is economics, racial, gender, or life position) take their place of privilege for granted. It’s only the minority group that feels the need to sing out the praises for “not being married.” It sounds so much like a defense against other’s expectations for them: they should be married. Unfortunately, it often sounds like “Me thinketh thou doth protest too much.”

Think about this? Why do you need to laud your life position? If it weren’t that you are fighting off what others think you should do, would you need to? Again, married people don’t have to flaunt their marriedness.

I understand, though, I write as a woman who is turning 64 tomorrow. I write as a family therapist who specializes in singles (always single and single again). I also write as someone who has researched (and published) a lot about singles (see, With or Without A Man: Single Women Taking Control of Their Lives). One of the many things I’ve learned is the significant difference between singles of different decades.

Prior to age 30, there is a freedom not to have to follow society’s traditional rules. Women and men no longer have to find a mate in their 20s, get married, and start a family. There is more freedom to explore their social world, focus on career, hang around with the opposite sex, have sex – all without expectations that you have to “settle down.”

Settle down. What a stifling word. It sounds like you can be yourself up until the time you have to stop being yourself and “settle down.” Settle down to what?

After age 30, though, women are continually told to listen to the ticking. While they may not feel pressured about having children at this point, others certainly are. And, by the end of their 30s, they have given in; that ticking becomes deafeningly loud.

Once women enter their 40s, they either have to change their song or they have to put on a good front. It’s hard to sing being proud of something that you don’t feel you have any choice about; you can not make an appropriate man appear in life. Or, you can put on a good front while you sing the old song, knowing it may no longer be in tune.

It is a shame women have to take a stance one way or another about their feelings of being single. Wouldn’t it be great if there were no more value judgment being single than about the length of your fingernails; sometimes they’re long and sometimes they’re short. But you aren’t treated differently based on their length. You don’t have to sing to the word that you like short nails or you are proud of your long nails.

Women in their late thirties and older need support for not falling into the trap of having to take a stand on how they feel about being single. They need support for the variety of feelings they have; sometimes it’s great and freeing being single, sometimes it’s awful and lonely. And sometimes it’s not an issue at all. Women need support to stop the self-blame for why they don’t have a man. Mostly, they need support to push back against our culture that pressures women into how they should be feeling as a single woman.

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