I see a common mistake people make when they lament about trying to get their exes back. I feel this is something that is not quite emphasized as much as it should have been because it's one of the more "passive" steps when trying to get an ex back. However it is one of THE MOST important aspects to get right if you're trying to get your ex back.
Above knowing exactly what to say, what to do, what not to do and having the right mindset and attitude when trying to get your ex back. This one is really under-preached... perhaps because the truth hurts?
The very first and more important thing you must do if you're trying to get your ex back, is to know EXACTLY why your relationship failed to work in the first place.
This is so important because if you go ahead and try out the latest bells and whistles to getting your ex back... perhaps you may get them back for a day, a week or a month, but guess what? The issues that caused the break up is still going to be there.
It's like trying to rid your house of a fishy smell by cleaning the carpet with the latest anti-bacterial products when you really should be locating the fish and tossing it out for good.
You can't hope to fix your relationship and most important maintain it if you don't know or don't want to know what caused the break up in the first place.
Now I'll tell you a little secret:
Most people KNOW already why the relationship didn't work.
They just don't want to ADMIT it because admitting it means potential pain for them.
What is this pain?
Reason:
"I'm leaving this relationship because you smoke too much and you don't value health and hygiene as much as I do."
You:
"Oh no, I have to stop smoking (pain), start exercising daily (pain) and completely clean up my act (work + work = pain)."
What you try to tell yourself instead:
"It must be because we argued about the dinner the other night, I didn't show her as much appreciation as I should have... I didn't tell her I loved her enough... etc."
See the lies we tell ourselves? Could you be avoiding something else that perhaps you don't want to change or can't be bothered to deal with?
Because if you're willing to admit the real reason that your ex left, then you'll have to accept the consequences. Either accepting that you don't live up to their standards anymore and you've been dumped for someone better or you need to RAISE your standards.
Raising your standards could potentially mean a lot of work and a lot of pain.
And what is worse is that the reward is not guaranteed either.
Even if you do clean up your act, stop smoking, start working out and looking after yourself, there is NO guarantee that your ex will just come running back to you.
So why should you even bother?
This is how you fall into stagnation, it's also why your ex probably left because they really needed to and you need to accept that they need someone who can provide them better with what they need.
Unless of course you decide NOT to allow yourself to fall into this rut.
The first step is acknowledging what you're doing and recognising if you are just making excuses for yourself so you don't need to put in any work.
The key to motivating yourself is to do things for yourself and not for your ex. Because if you do all this work just to get rewarded by someone else... the minute that you don't get it, you'll fall back into your rut again.
If it's smoking you need to quit and health you need to improve on. You must do it for yourself. Think of all the reasons that not smoking will benefit you in the future, think of how great it is to be able to move through life full of energy and exuberance, to breathe deep and full and to feel completely alive because you've taken good care of your body. Your body is your temple after all.
Now it doesn't matter if your ex happens to notice or not, but if they do, then that's an added bonus isn't it?
If they suddenly decide - due to all these changes you have made in your life because you wanted to improve for yourself, that they are attracted to this new you, that they see a future with this new you, isn't this another bonus?
The truth is, you must be good to yourself first, the more you value yourself, the more value others will place on you too.
When there are two people interacting, the person who is MOST confident at that moment gets to lead and direct the other person. If you're the more confident one of your ex, you'll have the power to lead the interaction, the relationship and what will happen next in your relationship. The only way to obtain this power is to be more sure of yourself than your ex.
The only place to start is at the beginning. Be completely honest with yourself and ask yourself exactly why the relationship failed.
Only when you start to be honest and face the consequences will you be able to move forward and see the results you desire.
Keep this very important point in mind when you're trying to get your ex back and it might be the most valuable thing you learn today.
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