As a relationship counselor, I am constantly being asked why so many relationships fail. In the 37 years that I have worked with couples, I have discovered five major relationship killers.
Nedra, one of my clients, was quite upset when she received an email from her friend, Roxanne, ending their friendship. The email was quite blaming, telling Nedra that she was narcissistic, selfish, and uncaring. Roxanne complained that Nedra just talked about herself and was never there for Roxanne. "You don't listen to me. You don't care about me. You are never there for me when I need you."
Expert Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. | Category: Spirituality Guilt is an important feeling. It is the appropriate feeling to have when we have deliberately done something hurtful or harmful to others. People who can harm others without any feelings of guilt or remorse were formerly called sociopaths or psychopathic personalities, and are now defined as suffering from Anti-social Personality Disorder. Anti-social Personality Disorder is a severe disorder that includes - along with many other symptoms - the lack of a conscience.
Expert Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. | Category: Happiness All of us have met people who just seem to be happy most of the time. Perhaps you have assumed that these people are just naturally happy, or that they are the lucky people who have an easy life, or they had really loving parents. Most of the time, nothing could be farther from the truth.
Expert Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. | Category: Addictions (This is Part 2 of a 5-part series on addiction).
In Part 1 of this series of articles, I defined substance and process addictions, and described the four major false beliefs that underlie most addictions:
1. I can't handle my pain.
2. I am unworthy and unlovable.
3. Others are my source of love.
4. I can have control over how others feel about me and treat me.
This article addresses the first of these beliefs, and goes into the process of learning to manage your ...
Expert Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. | Category: Addictions (This is Part 1 of a 5-part series on addiction).
Just about everyone in our society is addicted to something. Addictions can take many forms:
SUBSTANCE ADDICTIONS: addiction to alcohol, recreational drugs, prescription meds, caffeine, nicotine, food, sugar, carbohydrates.
PROCESS ADDICTIONS: addiction to love, connection, caretaking, anger, resistance, withdrawal, and to activities such as...
In my counseling work, I often work with clients who have a deep fear of commitment. These individuals generally say that they want to be in a loving relationship, yet they keep picking "the wrong people."
David sat in front of me at one of my five-day intensive workshops. A successful businessman with a wife and two grown children, David believed that he was not good enough.
There is a wonderful anachronism for FEAR:
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real
Much of the fear in our lives is based on false evidence.
Our bodies are designed to respond with the fight or flight mechanism to real and present danger - such as being physically attacked. In the face of real and present danger, the adrenaline flows and the blood drains out of our organs and brain and into our limbs to prepare us for fight or flight.
Jack, 60 years old, is a client of mine. Jack had been in a very difficult, codependent marriage with Stella - a marriage where Jack completely gave himself up in his attempts to avoid Stella's anger, threats and blame. Jack sought my help regarding extricating himself from this very unhappy relationship and was finally able to end the marriage.
Katie had not been in a relationship in ten years, and she was scared to death. In her last relationship, she had lost herself completely and then felt devastated when her boyfriend of three years left her for another woman.
Weight loss - such a "big" topic! Every month another book is out by another expert on weight loss. Everyone wants to know the secret to losing weight.
We all want to feel good about ourselves but many of us go about this in the ways that will never create self-esteem.
In the last few decades, partners have spent countless hours trying to "work out problems." Yet over and over again they often come up against a major roadblock: they just don't see things the same way. No matter how long they talk and how hard they try, neither ends up feeling really heard and understood.
It is time for less talk and more action - loving action.
Loving actions are those actions that support our highest good and the highest good of others. Loving actions are those actions that are motivated by love rather than by fear.
Expert Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. | Category: Religion "I have a hard time with the concept of God. I was not brought up in a religious family. I believe there is something beyond myself, but I just don't know how to think of it or experience it."
Expert Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. | Category: Love Myrna, 38 and a successful physician, sought my help because she often felt inadequate. While she really valued herself as a doctor, she did not value herself in her important relationships with friends and family. In addition, she said she wanted to be in a loving relationship but she took no actions to meet available men.
Self Improvement has become mainstream. In the last few years, since I have been writing articles and submitting them to article sites, I've noticed that the category of "Self Improvement" has been showing up lately when it was never there before. To me, this is very good news.
Expert Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. | Category: Parenting In December, 2005, I conducted a two-day workshop with men who had recently been released from prison for domestic violence. With the men were their wives, as well as the father of a batterer who was still in prison.
Many people on a healing path have found it extremely challenging to heal their shame. Yet when you understand the purpose of shame, you will be able to move beyond it.
