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Troubled by his apparently self-destructive behavior, we were able to arrange an interview. Newslaugh: You seem to be behaving in rather odd ways lately, Tom. What's behind it all? Cruise: You have no idea what it's like to suddenly find yourself the most popular movie star in the world when you can't possibly see any reason you'd reach such a pinnacle. So what happens is you get this really subliminal desire to take yourself down. Newslaugh: Oh, so that's why you're acting like a jackass?
Despite the troubling news that assails us each day and seems bent on convincing us we should all be the tense and unhappy recipients of the worldwide outrages it forwards, we remained confident that maybe somewhere there is still at least one American who is relaxed and happy.
Who would have thought, since Ford's horseless carriage rolled off the assembly line, that the covered wagon might make a comeback? But then whoever thought that gas prices would burn through the world's wallet the way they have been lately?
Researchers, listening carefully to the speech patterns of monkeys, determined that the creatures were incensed that they had evolved with all of their hair still bristling out of them, and they demanded the immediate remedy of a shave and a haircut.
As the conviction of Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling begins to lower the curtain on the Enron scandal, it has occurred in the now startlingly vacated halls of corporate America that so many execs are now in jail that the nation may have to start to importing its titans of business.
While the Theory of Evolution has received numerous challenges since Darwin proposed it, none seems to have taken the scientific community with such devastating surprise as a theory recently proposed by a French Chef from Bordeaux. Andre Dumier, who operates a One Star Michelin restaurant just outside the city of Bordeaux, advanced the theory after contemplating what he considers the first requirement in the various stages of evolution - the availability of food and, in time, wine.
We were fortunate in being able to arrange an exclusive News
How gullible does he think the rest of the world is? Is the unaware soul actually deluded into thinking people everywhere can't see that he was using the letter as a transparent pretense to grandstand for his own treacherous and impossible agenda?
"I've been a New Englander all my life," a swarthy resident of Bangor, Maine, said, as he took another bite of the state's famous delectation. "But I never thought I'd see that day that lobsters would show up for dinner of their own free will."
CEO Steve Jobs commented, "We want to have an Apple store wherever there is a lot of people, and it's hard to think of a more likely location than the Mexican border just across from Tijuana. When those Mexicans come running across, we want to be there to sell them an Apple product."
"Well, to tell you the truth," Mr. Lay said, "I hardly ever notice anything. I mean, I didn't notice anything was wrong when Enron's finances were going up in flames. So it's only understandable that I wouldn't notice a little thing like the jury going off to deliberate how much time I'll spend in jail."
As computers grow ever more compact, a new breakthrough in miniaturization is hitting the shelves of computer stores that should have great appeal to graduates and their elated parents.
Think whatever you might of William Jefferson Clinton, you have to give the ever-smiling overachiever credit. He finds, in the lassitude of his post-Presidential years, a devoted and commendable calling to charity. And so canny is the man that he is able to extract a $5 million advance from Knopf to write a book about his benevolence.
A prescient judge in Wisconsin, noting that any guy who would try to force a woman to do anything, let alone submit to sex, obviously has poor social skills, particularly in regard to women, has sentenced a sex offender to remedial training with guys who actually know how to behave with a woman.
Saddam Hussein, now formally charged with crimes against humanity, is now faced with charges by irate tie makers.
"This man is guilty of killing the tie business," a representative of the plaintiffs stated immediately after his arrival from New York's garment district. "You can see the evidence just by looking. Every day he shows up for his trial wearing a white shirt without a tie. I ask you, what kind of example is that? "
Barry Bonds finally smacked the homer that broke Babe Ruth's revered tally. Umpires immediately checked his bat for the presence of steroids.
Bonds, who has often been accused of employing the performance enhancers but never convicted of the practice, was both cheered and jeered as he rounded the bases.
Four-Star General Michael Hayen, in confirmation hearings before the Senate, insisted that it's time for the CIA "to get out of the news." The General, continuing to make his case, pleaded, "How can you infiltrate a terror cell undetected when your face has been plastered all over the world?"
Professional hockey associations, long mournful of the unfortunately uneconomical seasonal nature of their game have decided to give the boys of summer a run for their money. To effect the balmy transformation, the teams will exchange their footwear from ice skates to roller skates.
As the price of gasoline continued its flaming ascent and interest rates rose, Wall Street tanked. A frazzled investor, who witnessed his portfolio lose over 50 per cent of its value in five minutes, took a swig of Mylanta, and said, "I've gotten used to the ups and downs. The only thing that goes up all the time is my blood pressure."
The trial of Saddam Hussein took a surprising turn, when a witness stated that he had seen and talked with a number of the people the jocund dictator and his unrepentant henchmen are accused of killing during a crackdown in the rebellious village of Dujail.
As music fans well know and widely resent, the music business has traditionally sold one or two songs per album that people actually want to listen to with a lot of other songs that, regardless of their merit, very few people have any interest in. The price was, however, right for the music biz.
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